Tuesday, September 18, 2012
What is Sobriety?
Lately, we have been using the acronym MAP to define sobriety. M stands for masturbation. This is a controversial question in the recovery community as some would consider that masturbation is OK for all or at least for single men. I have always felt that for an addict it is never a good idea as it usually leads to neurochemical tolerance in the brain and that will cause the habit to escalate over time. For a more thorough answer to the question of whether or not masturbation is sinful or morally appropriate, go to our website at http://www.faithfulandtrue.com and click on the resources tab and then on the articles tab.
The A stands for adultery. By that we mean both emotional and physical adultery. Many men that I work with get involved first with women and share emotional intimacy with them that they are not with their wives. We also consider that looking lustfully at women, especially in terms of pornography is adultery. Jesus talks about looking at a woman with lust in your heart in Matt. 5.
The P stands for pornography in all of its forms, magazines, DVDs, and most prevalently on the Internet.
It is always best to keep things simple and thorough. When an addict says he is MAP sober, others will automatically know what he means. Let me know what you think.
Adultery of the Mind
Do You Want To Get Well
1. Do you want to get well?
2. What are you thirsty for?
3. What are you willing to die for and are you willing to die to yourself?
All three are taken from stories of Jesus' interactions with people in the Gospel of John, Question one is the question Jesus asks an invalid who has come to lie by the healing pool of Bethesda as described in John 5. For addicts, we must be willing to heal despite our questions, misgivings, and even anger at God. Question two is from Jesus' conversation with a Samaritan woman at a well near Sychar in Samaria. He tells her that earthly water never heals thirst but that "living water" does, the healing water of salvation that he has to offer. Addicts need to know what their soul has been thirsting for and what false attempts they have made to satisfy it. Finally, questions three recognizes that addiction is selfish and that recovery is self less. What better question to ask than what would a person be willing to die for, the utmost act of selflessness. John 11 is the story of Lazurus who Jesus allows to die and later raises from the dea to demonstrate his resurrecting power. Addicts do need to die to themselves. It is only in that what that Jesus can come into their life in a powerful was and heal their hearts. Recovery is, in fact, resurrecting!
Willingness v. Unwillingness
As some of you know, at our workshops we ask the men three spiritual questions. The first is from the story in John 5 of the man at the Pool
of Bethesda. That man is rather cynical in his response to Jesus"
question, "Do you want to get well?" The quick word that Jesus uses
means wellness in body and in spirit. The spirit of the man is rather
negative when he says, "Sir, I have no one to help me...."
It is true that most addicts feel that way. No one has helped, temptations get in the way, and the advice of others is often misguided and discouraging. There is also the factor in the John 5 story that the man had been an invalid for 38 years so to be sick was his "normal." Lying by the pool is what he knew how to do.
So, when we think about getting or staying sober, we have to confront lethargy, cynicism, and even anger about our faith in getting well. For some of us, also, we liked our addiction. It brought us pleasure and was like a best friend. It was always with us and always available. So, like James tells us in the first chapter of his letter, we are "double minded."
Bottom line, we don't have to be 100% convinced that we can get well or that we want to get well. We need the majority of ourselves, however, to think so. This factor is what Bill W of AA talked about when he thought that an alcoholic had to bottom out in order to get well.
Most of all, I think, motivation comes from encouragement of others. That is a part of accountability. We get honest not just about our addiction but also about our negativity and doubts. Others can then encourage us to be the men that God calls us to be. Some of the best phone calls I have ever made in my recovery were not about my sexual temptation, but about my negative feelings of shame, anger, and doubt.
These are brief thoughts. My 3 new books are out. Check our our web site or the newsletter about those. One of them, Becoming a Man of Valor, discusses my strategies for all of this in much great depth.
I'm starting to enjoy this blogging stuff. I hope to see your posts soon.
It is true that most addicts feel that way. No one has helped, temptations get in the way, and the advice of others is often misguided and discouraging. There is also the factor in the John 5 story that the man had been an invalid for 38 years so to be sick was his "normal." Lying by the pool is what he knew how to do.
So, when we think about getting or staying sober, we have to confront lethargy, cynicism, and even anger about our faith in getting well. For some of us, also, we liked our addiction. It brought us pleasure and was like a best friend. It was always with us and always available. So, like James tells us in the first chapter of his letter, we are "double minded."
Bottom line, we don't have to be 100% convinced that we can get well or that we want to get well. We need the majority of ourselves, however, to think so. This factor is what Bill W of AA talked about when he thought that an alcoholic had to bottom out in order to get well.
Most of all, I think, motivation comes from encouragement of others. That is a part of accountability. We get honest not just about our addiction but also about our negativity and doubts. Others can then encourage us to be the men that God calls us to be. Some of the best phone calls I have ever made in my recovery were not about my sexual temptation, but about my negative feelings of shame, anger, and doubt.
These are brief thoughts. My 3 new books are out. Check our our web site or the newsletter about those. One of them, Becoming a Man of Valor, discusses my strategies for all of this in much great depth.
I'm starting to enjoy this blogging stuff. I hope to see your posts soon.
Post Traumatic Growth
Mark R. Laaser, Phd, BPCCC
Debbie W. Laaser, MA, MFT
Introduction
A foundational belief of all Christians is that the suffering and death of Jesus saved us from all of our sins. While
we embrace and celebrate that, it is difficult for Christians to accept
that we might at times be called to participate in that suffering. Jesus,
himself, invites us to take upon ourselves his “yoke” and somewhat
“strangely” suggests that his burden is “easy and light”. He goes on to say that if we are burdened we should come to him and find rest for our souls. (Matt. 11:28-30) In this article we would like to suggest that participating in the suffering of Christ can be an opportunity for growth. In
fact, there is a “new” school of thought that is telling us that trauma
can lead to our growth and is proving it through empirical research. This school is called, “Post Traumatic Growth.” (PTG)
As
Christian counselors ourselves, a large part of our training has
involved assessing and treating the various kinds of trauma that people
can experience. This can be
everything from childhood abuse and neglect to dramatic and tragic
events in adulthood, including death of loved ones, infidelity, terminal
illness, disability, and war. We
know that trauma can lead some people to experience the symptoms of the
anxiety-based diagnosis called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). We
have wondered if some interventions and therapies spend too much time
“rehearsing” trauma and thereby keep people stuck in
victimization—re-injuring the person, including the neurochemistry of
their brains.
Conversely,
we have seen well-meaning Christian counselors who encourage clients to
quickly forgive those who have harmed them and to “move on” with life
or encourage clients to quickly explore their own hurtful behaviors and
take responsibility for their ‘fair share’ of the harm.The field of Post
Traumatic Growth reminds us of our biblical teachings: as Christian
counselors our task is to help people make meaning out of the pain and
to discover how God has helped them to be stronger people as a result.
History
The New Testament is rich with teaching that suffering leads to a greater dependence on God and to strength of character. Paul
says in Romans, “we rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that
suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character,
hope.” (Romans 5:3-4) James writes, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers,
whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the
testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (Jas. 1:2-4) In
the history of theological, philosophical and psychological thought the
idea that suffering and pain leads to meaning and growth is certainly
not new.
This
article’s length only permits us to point you to the current work of
Calhoun and Tedeschi whose work over the last 15 years has led to the
definition of Post Traumatic Growth and to clinical research supporting
it. They define PTG as, “The
positive psychological change experienced as a result of the struggle
with highly challenging life circumstances” (Tedeschi and Calhoun, 2004,
p. 1). Tedeschi and Calhoun suggest that terms like trauma, crisis, and stressful life events can be used interchangeably. They
understand that many people can have significant emotional health
issues as a result of suffering and trauma but that, “in the developing
literature on posttraumatic growth, we have been finding that reports of
growth experiences in the aftermath of traumatic events far outnumber
reports of psychiatric disorders” (Tedeschi and Calhoun, 2004, p. 2).
The Dynamics of Post Traumatic Growth
PTG
does not occur because of the trauma, it occurs when the person goes
beyond an adaptive response and learns how to struggle with the
potential transformational possibility of the trauma. Tedeschi and Calhoun list 5 possible growth results:
1. An increased appreciation of life in general and a sense of what is really important.
2. Closer and more meaningful relationships.
3. A general sense of greater personal strength.
4. An identification of new possibilities for a person’s life.
5. Growth in the domain of spiritual and/or existential matters.
In
terms of number 5, we believe that this growth draws a person closer to
God and develops a sense in the person of God’s divine presence.
The Process of Post Traumatic Growth
The literature describes three critical elements that promote PTG for an individual that has experienced a traumatic life event:
1. Managing
Distressing Emotions: A person learns to express all feelings relating
to the trauma including anger, anxiety, and sadness. In reality, this is grief work.
2. Support and Disclosure: An individual practices disclosing honest feelings and thoughts about the trauma with other supportive people. This must involve a system of social support including the possibility of a therapy group.
3. Cognitive Processing: As most therapists know, the experience of trauma leads to feelings of shame and other core beliefs about God, self, and others. Cognitive restructuring is a function of helping a person “reframe” the experience in light of God’s truth. This includes helping the person discover how they are stronger today because of the trauma.
We would add a fourth element:
4. Forgiveness:
In the process of religious and spiritual maturity, a person will learn
how to embrace the process of forgiving the people and circumstances
who caused the harm.
Conclusion and Implications for Christian Therapy
We find it helpful to conceptualize the experience of PTG on a continuum. On one end is the experience of knowing and reliving the trauma. On the other end is the experience of not allowing oneself to think about the trauma, the experience of denial.
Victim Identity Posttraumatic Growth Minimization of Trauma
Repetitive Trauma Reliving---------------------------Meaning of Pain-------------------------------------Quick Forgiveness
Over Focus on Distress, Loss, Acceptance that Distress and Growth Pressure to Accept Personal
and Maladaptive Behavior Co-exist Responsibility for Trauma
If we concentrate on the left end, the person will stay stuck in being a victim. If
we concentrate on the right side, the person will experience the
destructive emotional and physical consequences of stress and
maladaptive emotional illness. In
the middle is the healthy growth that is possible when the person can
find meaning in the pain and discover how he or she has matured as a
Christian of healthy character.
It
is our job as Christian counselors to be listeners to the pain, the
explorers of it, and the ones who help the person reinterpret God’s
presence in all of it. When we
do, we all participate in the sufferings of Christ, our burdens become
lighter, and we have the opportunity to experience the transformation
available through trauma.
References
Tedeschi, R. G. and Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry. 15(1), 1-18.
Mark and Debbie Laaser are both counselors in their own company, Faithful and True Ministries, based in Eden Prairie, MN. They have both been long time friends of and contributors to AACC.
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