Friday, March 8, 2013

How to Heal Feelings of Despair and Shame


Sex addicts experience deep emotional and spiritual despair. They believe there is no hope, that life will never get better, and that, if there is a God, he doesn't care. Many despairing addicts consider suicide.

Although despair seems to be a negative emotion, it can lead to positive change. Despair forces addicts to face the facts - that their efforts are never effective, they need other people, and they need God. When this happens, feelings of despair can actually lead to surrender to God. If you love and care for an addict, resist the temptation to rush in and alleviate the addict's despair with quick or simplistic solutions. God may be at work in the despair to bring about lasting change in the addict's life.

As sex addicts begin to recover from addictive behavior, they slowly recover from despair as well. When in despair, hearing testimonies of other recovering addicts is especially encouraging. 9 Addicts gain self-confidence as they learn to control sexual behavior, rituals, and fantasies. They grow stronger by admitting their addiction and testifying to their recovery. This gradual process of encouragement and self-affirmation diminishes feelings of despair and also begins to heal the addict's sense of shame.

Like despair, shame is not all bad. Shame points us to our own unworthiness and our need for God. Abuse victims, however, often assume an identity of shame and feel completely worthless.

To deal with unhealthy shame, sex addicts must delve into any trauma and wounds they have experienced. I strongly recommend group therapy in addition to individual counseling because many addicts learn about their own abuse by watching other addicts deal with theirs. They may have repressed memories of abuse because they are so painful. Observing others accept and deal with their abuse helps addicts feel safe enough to let their own memories return to consciousness.

Painful memories come back as the addict is ready to deal with them. I believe God is in control of this process and does not give addicts more to cope with than they are prepared to handle. It is always wise for addicts to pray that God, through the Holy Spirit, will show them what they need to heal from in God's own perfect timing.

It may take years for a sex addict to recall and deal with memories of abuse. If the abuse is more severe, it will take longer. It is not uncommon for some memories of abuse to surface right away and for others to come later. One female addict, for example, recalled childhood incest with her father only after eighteen months of counseling. Because she was in a community where she felt safe, her mind allowed her to remember this extremely significant abuse.

Sex addicts may be discouraged that this process takes so long and is so painful. However, the intensity of the experiences diminishes over time and periods of joy and peace increase. As they recover from their addiction, tell others what they have done, learn to share who they really are, and make amends, addicts find healing from their sense of shame. After they have been angry about wounds, they learn to find peace in forgiving those who harmed them, just as they have asked forgiveness from those they have harmed.

Only God can truly heal the sense of shame. Christ died not only to take away our sins, but also to vanquish our shame. Through him we will find freedom from shame, despair, and addiction. The ultimate way to heal from shame and wounds is to find meaning in them.

Every time I share my pain with others and they are able to share their pain with me, it connects us to each other. Whenever this happens, my pain feels lighter. My shame and wounds are also my opportunity to participate in the pain that all people experience. And this is what Christ did - he came to earth and shared our pain. Jesus knew doubt, anxiety, betrayal, pain and abandonment. As I understand that God, in Christ, shares in my pain, it becomes lighter and easier to bear. Addicts on the ultimate healing journey do not ask that the pain of the past be taken away. It is their chance to experience true fellowship with Christ and with others.

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